I have personal experience with this question and I have a good friend who is going through this quandary right now. I can get into the details of those distinct situations but the real issue we kept running up against was if I know I want certain things in a partner, and my current person doesn't have those and isn't getting them, is it even worth postponing the inevitable by moving to an open relationship or do you just end it right then?
This is really more specific to my friends situation. Her boo-of-the-moment is a nice guy, totally non-offensive, attempts to be a good boyfriend but it is quite clear to her (and us) that this is in no way a boo-for-the-ages. We even got into a bit of a heated argument yesterday because I may have ended up with a disapproving tone when discussing with her, her choice to shift it to an open relationship while she does a road trip this summer around the east coast. I know what my friend wants in her romantic life, she wants a partner and a family and she wants it sooner rather than later - so a large part of me says why prolong it?
She contends that she is just as able to look for happiness while still enjoying the benefits of a semi-successful relationship. I argue that you may be open but not as open or as driven if you have continued access to those "benefits". In the end we ended in a draw and she is going on a road trip while in an open relationship...
My experience was different, I asked for an open relationship to keep a man at arms length, a man who was more comfortable with his feelings for me than I was. A man who was ready to do what it took. And, unfortunately for me, a man who had enough emotional intelligence to understand that I was terrified, not push me, and let me end it.
I really don't know that it was the wrong decision to break from him then but I still think about him everyday and have since been able to admit the depth of the feelings I had/have for him. Who knows if it would have worked and maybe I was right about all the excuses I came up with about why he wasn't right, but I do know that there was a lot of love there that I'm scared I pushed it away and lost my chance.
At this point my Sane Intelligent Woman Brain says, that's crazy, no chance that was your one chance at love but it's the best you've experienced which is why you keep thinking about him and why you think you want him back.
My Crazy Girl Brain says "You fucked this up and now you will be alone forever and you might as well start collecting cats now and resign yourself to being the maiden aunt of the group who takes care of her friends kids when they want some couple time! Do something immature and hurtful now to steal him back from his new girlfriend that you know isn't good enough for him! Now!
For now Sane Intelligent Woman Brain is winning but it is a close race some days.
This is really more specific to my friends situation. Her boo-of-the-moment is a nice guy, totally non-offensive, attempts to be a good boyfriend but it is quite clear to her (and us) that this is in no way a boo-for-the-ages. We even got into a bit of a heated argument yesterday because I may have ended up with a disapproving tone when discussing with her, her choice to shift it to an open relationship while she does a road trip this summer around the east coast. I know what my friend wants in her romantic life, she wants a partner and a family and she wants it sooner rather than later - so a large part of me says why prolong it?
She contends that she is just as able to look for happiness while still enjoying the benefits of a semi-successful relationship. I argue that you may be open but not as open or as driven if you have continued access to those "benefits". In the end we ended in a draw and she is going on a road trip while in an open relationship...
I really don't know that it was the wrong decision to break from him then but I still think about him everyday and have since been able to admit the depth of the feelings I had/have for him. Who knows if it would have worked and maybe I was right about all the excuses I came up with about why he wasn't right, but I do know that there was a lot of love there that I'm scared I pushed it away and lost my chance.
At this point my Sane Intelligent Woman Brain says, that's crazy, no chance that was your one chance at love but it's the best you've experienced which is why you keep thinking about him and why you think you want him back.
My Crazy Girl Brain says "You fucked this up and now you will be alone forever and you might as well start collecting cats now and resign yourself to being the maiden aunt of the group who takes care of her friends kids when they want some couple time! Do something immature and hurtful now to steal him back from his new girlfriend that you know isn't good enough for him! Now!
For now Sane Intelligent Woman Brain is winning but it is a close race some days.
No comments:
Post a Comment