Back to reality

I've been back just a week now from my amazing trip and had a birthday, jumped in to several crazy work projects, had a boss leave on maternity leave, and quite a bit of change and shifting in that short amount of time.

I'm a true cancer in many senses, not least of which is that it takes me a long time to be ok with change.  So to say that this week has been really hard for me is a bit of an understatement.  The other thing I've learned about myself in recent years is that I'm really bad at not being ok.  I get angry with myself when I'm sad or depressed, I don't do well with not doing well. I know this seems a bit backwards and like I'm being hard on myself but it's true. Overall I am happy with my life and I know, and feel, that I am truly blessed in my life. Blessed by things that were given to me, like my family, and by things I chose, like my friends. This doesn't mean that there aren't things I can work on or things I wish were different - it just means that the big picture still looks pretty good.

One of my closest friends has moved very far away, a friend that I thought I would be living near the rest of my life (yes I realize this sounds codependent) and raising our kids near each other. She moved to be with someone she believes can make her happy, which is really all we want for our friends right?  Meanwhile, I'm battling toddler like feelings of abandonment, sadness, and anger. Only made ok by that fact that we've been able to talk about all this and I know this isn't the end it's just a change. However, this truth doesn't yet make me feel better about the situation.  I'm sure I'll get there.  I hope I get there soon.

Also I just had my birthday which means my 30th year is complete. It was satisfying to complete so many projects and take on a year of celibacy. I can't help but feel frustration at the fact that after a year of "action" I can't help but feel so stagnant. Expect more projects and activities as I distract myself from missing my people and figuring out what my forward is.

Sorry for the heavy post but as the 90s so eloquently put it - reality bites (sometimes)

(clearly I did some Pinterest searching of sappy happiness quotes - please indulge me)