The
Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013 is technically over and yet not over in the true sense. Oy, it's some slim pickings these days for this curly, curvy and sassy gal. As I was relaying some of my latest OkCupid experiences to a friend she asked if I am blogging about these dates. I haven't been because my goal is really truly to find someone that I connect with and not to gather blog worthy stories. However, sometimes you just have to share.
My goal is not to shame or embarrass anyone so no real names (or even screen names) will be used, but the circumstances are real. This most recent experience was not over the top awful but enough little things to make me question whether I'm ever going to find someone I can stand to be around let alone like.
Let me set the scene. The Chef and I had enjoyable banter on OkCupid, then moved to text. In my view this is a promising show of initiative and a step towards meeting in person - my ultimate goal. Here was my first flag, which I ignored. Texting went on for multiple weeks with no suggestion for in person activities or meeting at all.
Now before you yell at me that I could have asked him first and that a woman shouldn't wait for the man to ask her, I have a personal theory on this. I have no problem asking men to hang out (better at it on online dating than in person but getting there) but after a long time doing the online thing I've learned that, on the whole, that I need a man who as the hutzpah to ask me first and somewhat quickly. Overall, this is an indicator that there is a level of confidence that I find attractive - can go overboard to arrogant but that's what the meeting is for, and, there is a genuine interest in seeing if they like me in person rather than my crafted profile. In all my experiences where I've ignored this and asked them out because it was taking too long I've been disappointed, almost immediately. So, in the face of the ongoing texts consisting of not much more than "how are you" and complaints about his job and week, and at the prodding of a friend. I asked him out for a mid morning hike on the coming Saturday with the new puppy. He quickly responded yes - lulling me into a false sense of hope that it was a fluke that he never actually planned a date.
Thursday we agreed on a time and meet up plan
Friday he called and said that he remembered he was going to an 11am matinee with a bunch of friends, but I could come. First, what? I'm not going to have a first date with you and a bunch of your friends, too much pressure and too much faking if you're awful.
So we reschedule for a drink on Saturday evening - he's to let me know when he's done with friends so we can plan.
Saturday at 6:00pm I've heard nothing and I've written him off. At 6:15 he texts remembering that he has to have family dinner, can we meet on Wednesday after work for a drink? Sure, I say.
As I write this I imagine some are asking why I agreed to the rescheduling. See the beginning of the post, it is slim pickings, and I am trying to be nice and see if this is just first date stuff and genuine life getting in the way. I don't want to write people off for superficial reasons (anymore) so I keep trying.
Agree to meet at 6:30pm, at a neighborhood bar, on Wednesday.
Wednesday, 6:40pm - no sign of him but I know that he's coming from work (in a kitchen) and the route back to where we are is notorious for bad traffic.
6:45pm - While waiting I get hit on by an older man with several missing teeth - my hometown always keeps it classy
6:50pm - I'm slowly sipping my beer enjoying a baseball game and watching the local drunks try to "trick" the bouncer into letting them back in. At least I'm not wanting for entertainment but still no date.
7:00pm - Finally arrives, no apology for being late, and when we hug hello he smells! I mean hold your breath from the B.O. smells. Again trying to be nice I chalk it up to it being hot in a kitchen all day but it was truly oppressive sitting next to him inside. Unfortunately there are no seats outside.
At this point, I put on my nicest face and genuinely try to see if there is a connection in spite of the first impression and lateness. Half an hour in and one beer later, The Chef has told me a lot about his life, complained about his job and asked me 1 question about myself but before I got to answer it he answered it about himself, you know, as an example in case I didn't understand what he was asking.
Sadly, this is how the rest of the date continued. I do think that I played my role of sounding board for him really well because at the end he was really into having a second date. If he could remember my name and one other fact about me I'd maybe consider it in spite of everything but I doubt he could.
I really hope it was first date nerves and/or a bad day that made it seem as if he had never had a two-way conversation before, for his sake.
Oh well, back to the drawing board/computer screen...
I'm a true cancer in many senses, not least of which is that it takes me a long time to be ok with change. So to say that this week has been really hard for me is a bit of an understatement. The other thing I've learned about myself in recent years is that I'm really bad at not being ok. I get angry with myself when I'm sad or depressed, I don't do well with not doing well. I know this seems a bit backwards and like I'm being hard on myself but it's true. Overall I am happy with my life and I know, and feel, that I am truly blessed in my life. Blessed by things that were given to me, like my family, and by things I chose, like my friends. This doesn't mean that there aren't things I can work on or things I wish were different - it just means that the big picture still looks pretty good.
Sorry for the heavy post but as the 90s so eloquently put it - reality bites (sometimes)
