I am trying, really I am...

The Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013 is technically over and yet not over in the true sense. Oy, it's some slim pickings these days for this curly, curvy and sassy gal. As I was relaying some of my latest OkCupid experiences to a friend she asked if I am blogging about these dates. I haven't been because my goal is really truly to find someone that I connect with and not to gather blog worthy stories. However, sometimes you just have to share.

My goal is not to shame or embarrass anyone so no real names (or even screen names) will be used, but the circumstances are real. This most recent experience was not over the top awful but enough little things to make me question whether I'm ever going to find someone I can stand to be around let alone like.

Let me set the scene. The Chef and I had enjoyable banter on OkCupid, then moved to text. In my view this is a promising show of initiative and a step towards meeting in person - my ultimate goal. Here was my first flag, which I ignored. Texting went on for multiple weeks with no suggestion for in person activities or meeting at all.

Now before you yell at me that I could have asked him first and that a woman shouldn't wait for the man to ask her, I have a personal theory on this.  I have no problem asking men to hang out (better at it on online dating than in person but getting there) but after a long time doing the online thing I've learned that, on the whole, that I need a man who as the hutzpah to ask me first and somewhat quickly. Overall, this is an indicator that there is a level of confidence that I find attractive - can go overboard to arrogant but that's what the meeting is for, and, there is a genuine interest in seeing if they like me in person rather than my crafted profile.  In all my experiences where I've ignored this and asked them out because it was taking too long I've been disappointed, almost immediately.  So, in the face of the ongoing texts consisting of not much more than "how are you" and complaints about his job and week, and at the prodding of a friend. I asked him out for a mid morning hike on the coming Saturday with the new puppy.  He quickly responded yes - lulling me into a false sense of hope that it was a fluke that he never actually planned a date.

Thursday we agreed on a time and meet up plan

Friday he called and said that he remembered he was going to an 11am matinee with a bunch of friends, but I could come.  First, what? I'm not going to have a first date with you and a bunch of your friends, too much pressure and too much faking if you're awful.

So we reschedule for a drink on Saturday evening - he's to let me know when he's done with friends so we can plan.

Saturday at 6:00pm I've heard nothing and I've written him off.  At 6:15 he texts remembering that he has to have family dinner, can we meet on Wednesday after work for a drink?  Sure, I say.

As I write this I imagine some are asking why I agreed to the rescheduling.  See the beginning of the post, it is slim pickings, and I am trying to be nice and see if this is just first date stuff and genuine life getting in the way.  I don't want to write people off for superficial reasons (anymore) so I keep trying.

Agree to meet at 6:30pm, at a neighborhood bar, on Wednesday.

Wednesday, 6:40pm - no sign of him but I know that he's coming from work (in a kitchen) and the route back to where we are is notorious for bad traffic.

6:45pm - While waiting I get hit on by an older man with several missing teeth - my hometown always keeps it classy

6:50pm - I'm slowly sipping my beer enjoying a baseball game and watching the local drunks try to "trick" the bouncer into letting them back in.  At least I'm not wanting for entertainment but still no date.

7:00pm - Finally arrives, no apology for being late, and when we hug hello he smells! I mean hold your breath from the B.O. smells. Again trying to be nice I chalk it up to it being hot in a kitchen all day but it was truly oppressive sitting next to him inside. Unfortunately there are no seats outside.

At this point, I put on my nicest face and genuinely try to see if there is a connection in spite of the first impression and lateness. Half an hour in and one beer later, The Chef has told me a lot about his life, complained about his job and asked me 1 question about myself but before I got to answer it he answered it about himself, you know, as an example in case I didn't understand what he was asking.

Sadly, this is how the rest of the date continued.  I do think that I played my role of sounding board for him really well because at the end he was really into having a second date. If he could remember my name and one other fact about me I'd maybe consider it in spite of everything but I doubt he could.

I really hope it was first date nerves and/or a bad day that made it seem as if he had never had a two-way conversation before, for his sake.

Oh well, back to the drawing board/computer screen...

30th year is nearing a close - time to check the projects list

As you are all clearly aware, I have avoided checking in on this list for the last several months.  While, I haven't done nothing, I havent' done a whole lot either.  But, as Spring gathers speed on it's way to Summer and my 30th year gets ever closer to a close it's time to evaluate (and give you an update on the RVT2103 - to come soon).  Ok, to the list:

1. New Bed:  DONE! I think that there can definitely be a follow-up project to add a few more items tot the decor of the room overall, including new bedding but the new bed is in and great!
2. Color in the Kitchen: Truthfully, haven't even visited this one
3. Build 4 x 4 workbench:  As seen at an artist studio at American Steel Studios.  DONE! I'm going to call this done, but amended.  I recently created the top of a workshop table based on a Pinterest project I saw but using scraps I had in the workshop.  Currently it is missing legs but it's resting on top of my sawhorses and maybe provides even more functionality than the original project.
4. Build nightstands: DONE!  Really happy with my suitcase nightstand and looking for a second suitcase to complete the set.
5. Run a race.  Hmm, didn't sign up for one. If I wanted to excuse myself I could talk about how I've run them in the past, and I've recently timed myself running (like a race against myself).  So, done?
6. Front yard makeover: Partially done/Postponed, my grass and other plants are doing really well.  I added some more plants for pops of color and some along the side of the house.  Happy for now with long term plan for xeriscaping.
7. Back yard makeover: Partially done.  I have moved several plants and created an all succulent planter. They are starting to bloom and I can't wait for it to fill in!  I also planted two tomato plants, a tomatillo, zucchini and carrots.  No new fruit trees yet but still on the list.
8. Complete one new woodblock: Done, pictures to come.  I'm not in love with it but I don't hate it, which is a start.
9. Take an art class
10. Make a "pouf": Here's one project but maybe search because I know there were a couple that did it on the cheap using IKEA rugs I think. Still have not attempted it yet, however.
11. Sew a complete item of clothing (more complicated than a skirt though) using a pattern. DONE. I made a fairly hideous pair of kulots/gaucho pants for our Troop Beverly Hills Halloween costume this year.  While it was not a true pattern, I did use a pair of pants I already have to create this pair and had to make some sizing adjustments and amendments as I went.  Let's just say I'm not destined for Project Runway anytime soon. 
12. Design and get a tattoo
13. Make Christmas presents for my neighbors: Done-ish, I did not make Christmas presents for my neighbors but I did make really adorable Christmas presents in mason drinking glasses for my coworkers, which I'm counting.
14. Build and paint a bean bag toss game: Canceled, felt like too much time but have done some other wood working projects
15. Sew baby blanket:  DONE! See the post about making the blanket.  I recently got a photo back from my friend with her one month old swaddled up in it - baby adorableness.  I also have two more babies coming that need blankets, but not for this list!
16. Add a new item for sale to RadBaby: DONE!  See the post about the new earrings we added.
17. Complete a Coursera course: DONE I completed all the lectures and assignments for Dino 101 - it was awesome.  I have given up on the Intro to Computational Design.  I enjoyed the first two modules, programming and photoshop, but the third is audio which does not interest me.
18. Create a housewarming gift for friends that are moving. DONE!  I created a great housewarming gift in a mason jar for my best friend's brother and his girlfriend.  It took me forever to give to them but that is not part of this project so there.
19. Add shelves and/or decor to the bathroom: DONE!  This one was a project from Pinterest, and a rare situation where I actually like my version more than the Pin.
20. Go to Zumba classes 2 times a week for at least a month. DONE!  Successfully accomplished and still going.  With the exception of some sick days we have been consistently going every week and plan to keep at it. It's a great break and separation from the day.  Plus an amazing instructor, which makes all the difference.
21. Attach a charging pad in the new nightstand so that phone can charge just sitting on the nightstand. Canceled, after researching the cost of a charging pad this really wasn't worth it.  But it would be good to build something for my cords and charges to live in, other than the floor.
22. Build an acoustic speaker for iphones. DONE!  I actually built two, and gave one to Meg for her birthday.  I'm using this idea as a prototype for the next Coursera class I'm taking (Design) and am hoping to refine the design even more.  
23. DIY Christmas decorations: Also from Pinterest, found these two projects and really enjoyed making and using them for decoration.  The DIY garland and the "Christmas Trees"
24. Rehab a Dresser: DONE! Ok, so this wasn't technically a project for me but it was a project, I definitely helped lead the charge so I feel totally ok with counting this as a completed project on my list.
25. Fix headliner in Petunia: DONE!  Not a total fix but makes me happier than it was and works with my budget.
26. Rehab Armchair: DONE!  Great find at Goodwill, now an even better fit in my house.
27. Salon wall in bedroom:  Been collecting frames as I go and the wall in my bedroom needs some love. Get them hung!
28. Fix and paint/stain coffee table: The original project made in my workshop needs some TLC
29. Plant Edibles: DONE!  Mentioned earlier but I planted two cherry tomato plants, carrots, a tomatillo and a zucchini plant.  I'll let you know what kind of harvest I get.
30. Travel: DONE!  My travel bestie and I are going to Ireland this summer.  Details are coming together and ticket prices are being monitored.  This trip will get in just under the wire and I can't wait!

Wow, I have to admit that in the beginning I did not necessarily expect to be able to come up with 30 projects.  The list has definitely had some amendments and changes but overall it's pretty exciting to be able to see all that I've worked on for a year.  The bold are projects still to finish but 6 our of 30 ain't bad.

Guy Radar (Guydar), You're Killing Me Smalls

Most women I talk to agree that this is a near universal phenomenon.  That guy, or even several, who really should be out of your life but for whatever reason isn't completely has impeccably annoying, awful, tragic, frustrating, (insert adjective of choice here), timing.

Maybe you're working hard to limit your Crazy Girl time and actually move on in your life and feel like you've gone a decent amount of time (this is a relative measurement) not thinking about, wondering about, or mildly obsessing about said guy when BAM! he contacts you.

It's never when you need/want them to contact you it's only when you finally feel like you might be ok if they don't ever contact you again, like you might make it through to the other side and mean it when you say "I'm over it".

Fuck guydar! Ugh deja vu as I'm pretty sure I wrote a very similar post the last time guydar struck...

Yet another reason to keep on keeping on with the RVT 2013 (still in full celibate swing by the way) and work for better.

Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013...Interrupted?

So as discussed part of this self imposed drought in the bedroom I am going through is also to actively attempt to date and put myself out there.  The main goal being a shift in the way that I approach relationships and dating in the past.

With that in mind and without lowering standards too significantly the idea was that if you asked me out I would give it a shot.

At the end of last week just that thing happened.  He only had one picture, but profile appeared literate, apparently sarcastic, and potentially intelligent.  Additionally within  5 pleasant messages he asked me out.  For any online date users this is a plus!  Also helps you avoid the downward spiral of endless messages with no end in sight.

With date set for Saturday I went about my business and come Saturday was feeling tired and anti-social and seriously contemplated bailing.  These are the times when good friends matter, good friends who do not indulge you but rather tell you to snap out of it, put your big girl panties on and go on your date.

First date was all his planning, drinks followed by planned dinner.  The dinner was not mentioned in the original ask so I'm assuming it was to be mentioned if and only if I made it through the primary meeting.  Which frankly I can appreciate, it's important to have an out.  Dinner went long and full of easy conversation that continued until chairs were put on the tables and staff eyed us willing us to leave with their minds.  At the end of the night there was some arm linkage as he walked me back to my car, the appropriate level of attempting to get me back to his apartment, and a wholesome kiss good night with a follow up date request.

Lots of texts in between, at the jokey, flirty level, and date 2 set for Tuesday (yesterday).  This time I planned and picked a delicious Cuban restaurant on my own "turf", if I have a turf, I don't know. This date also went very well.  Conversation was still easy, more comfortable, a little more flirty and got into a bit more real questions about dating history and recent relationships etc... Also followed by a slightly, only slightly, less wholesome kiss goodnight and plans to see each other again.

I'm excited, have twinges of panic (as I do when I potentially like someone - like a freak) and also am yet again amazed by guy radar and the universe's sense of humor (a sense of humor I don't always find funny).  On Tuesday I received two messages from the ex, the one who often turns me into Crazy Girl, and a past crush was actually at the bar we met at before dinner.  Funny, very funny.  I have some theories on what the universe is trying to tell me, two opposite theories in fact.  Just gonna ride it out I think...

Back to RVT2013, while the celibacy is still in play, I definitely I'm not feeling like that is going to last super long and now it's a matter of what qualifies for me to make the call.  When planning this decision it was if there was "something real" happening, whatever that means.

Maybe I just follow the advice of the Millionair Matchmaker "No sex before monogamy". Oy, I'll keep you posted.

Downside

Just about three months in to the Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013 and I figured out the downside.  When you intellectually choose to not have sex - for what I still consider good reasons - your physical self may not always agree with you.

My physical self does not agree with me.  Downside.

The gym flirt

As I continue on the RVT 2013 tour its important for me to remember all the great places for flirting.  I think one of the best places for flirting is the gym.

I've had lots of people look at me like I'm crazy, disagree, and try to argue with me about this but hear me out.

Depending on the gym you go to, there are tons and tons of men everywhere.  I just joined a new one and one of the locations is massive and full of pretty men each time I go - talk about motivation. So the odds are in your favor.

The argument most used is that we look gross at the gym all sweaty and strained.  Yup! And it is exactly because of this that the gym is an excellent place for flirting!  Now this is not because I'm one of those people who can workout in full makeup in cute matching outfits, not at all.

I am a pale Irish lass and after any amount of time working out I turn bright red, and I sweat, to call it rosy or a blush would be a gross understatement.  I'm lucky if my workout clothes are in generally the same color scheme.  Even better!

If with all these factors in play you find someone at the gym who returns a flirtation, or even starts one, take it and run! I can literally only go up from here.  Unless he has some weird sweat fetish, anywhere this flirtation takes us outside of the gym I'm going to look so much better than I did when it started.  It's an amazing way to set low expectations while still showing off that you workout and take care of yourself.  None of that worry of looking too great on a first date and never living up to it in the long term.  You can dress up to your normal and still impress.

Best case scenario!

P.S.

I feel almost like writing a missed connection for the first guy I talked to that night. Who knows, we may meet again...

Put to the test

Sometimes I feel like the fates, or the powers that be, or whoever, is definitely flipped to my channel and watching.  That happened again this weekend.

Only one week following the launch of the Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013 aka going celibate my will and determination was put to the test.  Seriously, how did it happen that quick.  Spoiler:  I feel validated.

Decided to channel my younger self and went out with a lovely group of ladies, less familiar with my hometown than I, and do a bit of bar hopping.  We ended up at two fairly contrasting locales, one full of the hipster, dirty, grungy crowd and one full of classy, swanky clientele.  It was at the latter that I was doubly tested.

First by a very nice gentleman who initiated the conversation and we had witty, if I do say so myself, banter back and forth for a while.  Attraction was not immediate or overwhelming for me but growing as the awesome personality clearly came out to play.  The second was a lumbering fellow, I would guess about 6'3" or 6'4", where the attraction was much more palpable though not necessarily due to personalities clicking.

It is with the second that I spent the rest of the evening, though later I feel like a may have made the wrong choice.  We danced.  I mean like middle school danced.  Like not in a circle but actually two people touching each other dancing.  Which was nice at first - happy to say I'm slightly better at it than I was  in middle school or high school even - but then became a little much.  There was an excellent dance party surrounding us and every time I tried to break free and join the fun I was willfully pulled back.

Not wanting to break the moment too much, and attempting to remain open to experiences I gave in and danced some more.  There was minimal kissing. In public. Yup. Then the conversation took the turn that it inevitably does in these situations as the last call announcement is made, "don't you want to take me home?" "we can just cuddle" "I'll even sleep on the couch".  What girl doesn't like knowing the guy wants to work that hard to get you in bed.  But, at the risk of sounding like a lady of loose morals, for the first time in a loooonnnnnnnng time, I said no! And stuck with it.

He maintained a good face and we exchanged numbers at his request.  He made one more attempt after we parted ways, offering to take a cab to me.  Still resisted.  With assurances that we would talk tomorrow.

Here comes the validation.

I heard nothing the next day, nothing the day after that, and today still nothing.  One could argue it's because I didn't take him home to "cuddle" but I realized that I don't want a man who won't contact me because I don't take him home from a bar.  I may be late to the game on this realization but thank you fates for testing my decision early on and proving me right - for now!

RVT 2013 - Update

This actually doesn't deserve an update or even a post.

Since making this, in my opinion, rather heavy decision of active celibacy I have been sick.  Not sniffles and uncomfortable sick.  Laid out for 3 days, coughing so hard I pull muscles and wake myself up, and 10 days later still not totally well sick!

It was awful.  First I'm horrible at being sick.  When I feel like I should stay in bed all day I convince myself I'm being overdramatic and that I should really just suck it up and get on with life.  Then when, in fact, I should have just stayed in bed, didn't, and then feel extra crappy I get annoyed.  I'm just cranky when I'm sick.

Anyway, I have decided rather than assuming that this was the world telling me that closing for business is a horrible idea and keeping me sick until I retract, that it actually is the universe agreeing with me and purging the last year-ish of ick and helping me to start this year and decade fresh.  Yeah we'll go with that.

No, it did not cross my mind that this illness was just that and not the universe trying to give me a deep and poignant message, why do you ask?

The Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013

A little background...

Overall my life is pretty amazing and blessed.  I have incredible friends and family, I'm self-confident in my professional life and am overall happy.  The one gaping hole is my romantic life.  In every other aspect of life I know what I'm worth and I'm not ashamed to go for it and I believe in surrounding myself with quality people.  When it comes to men, quality gets replaced with something else not entirely definable and my motivations are questionable.

I don't know if "sexually enlightened" actually applies but I've never been the type to shy away from sex on the first date and a mutual one-night stand can sometimes be just what the doctor ordered.  I truly don't regret my choices up until now at all but they are also very clearly why I am where I am.

Until recently, I was worse than the cliche man.  The word commitment made me throw up a little in my mouth and I have literally choked on two separate occasions when the man I'm dating casually references me as his girlfriend. Because of this I dated men who were either very clearly not "the one" or were going to expire by default - I even termed it "expiration dating" - for example I knew one was moving 8 months after we started dating, sign me up, one lived on an island and could only get off to cell phone service by plane or boat, I'm there, anyway you get the picture.

I don't know if it's aging or just my super slow natural progression but I now want a relationship.  I want someone who calls me his girlfriend, I'll even get ok with calling him my boyfriend (gulp).  I don't want to date for the sake of dating anymore - its exhausting and not that much fun.  So now what?

As I mentioned in an earlier post my good friend faced with similar queries embarked on an epic dating road trip and came home with a very positive outlook on her future.  I can't say that I'm currently living in such an optimistic state. Also, determined, that we are not totally wrong in feeling like our home base is gravely lacking in capable, competent men.

However, the constant bemoaning of how men here have it too easy and are fairly undateable, felt too easy and too much like shifting the blame.  I believe that the only thing I have control over are my own actions and reactions to things so....I've decided on a year of self-imposed celibacy.

This decision was not come to lightly, believe me.  I really like sex, really like it.  I also think it's what has actually made the dating I've been doing recently even bearable, because at least I get to have sex. While I don't regret this it also affects the way I interact with potential matches.  I have never had trouble making friends, meeting new people or finding connections, but I have had trouble romantically. I need something that forces me to shift the way I engage with men I'm attracted to - change the game a bit.

So, celibacy for a year. Oh dear god. This is not celibacy by virtue of becoming a hermit.  It will only work if I pair it with also putting myself out there, meeting new people, being open to different "types" and figuring out if they way I've been coming to the table has had an impact on the current emptiness in my life.

This decision will be re-evaluated if I end up in a somewhat serious-leading relationship with someone (I'm not a martyr) but let's say there must be at least 3 sexless dates before even considering re-evaluation.

My bestie has reserved the right for one exemption to be revealed at a later date.

Celibacy for this scenario equals nothing below the belt with another person. That said, you must excuse me know because I have to go visit Good Vibes and stock up....

Contemplating 30

I am just 1 month and 2 days into my 30s and I am trying to figure out what this year will be.  Like, I assume, many of the newly 30, I feel like this first year in this new decade should have some monumental changes whether internal or external.  Should mean something.

If nothing else we can hold onto the fact that it can't possibly be worse than our 20s - can it?  Do you remember early 20s?  They were the worst!  21 was the last good year, 22 - 26 were filled with angst, feeling young but not being young, dreams withering away, and feelings of inadequacy, while every "adult" asked you what you were going to do now?  27 - 29 were fleetingly good as you felt a sense of relief that you'd made it through the hell that was the "early 20s" and then life starts to slowly chip away at the self-esteem you've struggled to build til then.  Slowly, friends start disappearing into married life, some of them even dare to have children.  Even those things that feel "adult" and should allow me to check something off the list (like purchasing a home) remain in that surreal zone even now.

So I have been 30 for 1 month and have decided that it is time for me to take more ownership over the things I'm not in love with in my life and why not start by forcing said changes with wonderful, bloggable, projects all within the next year!

The first is 30 Projects For My 30th Year: I'm going to compile a list of 30 projects, of varying complexity, and try to complete them all, obviously with the goal of blogging about each project as I go.  Stay tuned for the list.

The second my bestie as so appropriately titled "The Reasoning Virgin Tour 2013", this clearly needs more explanation and it will come shortly in a following post.  No I'm not being born again or anything super creepy like that but...

Ok, the projects are noted in the blogosphere - now they have to happen!