Breaking the fast

Had quite a rollercoaster of a weekend emotionally folks.

On Sunday morning I really felt like the world was sending me this ecard but without any of the humor...

Flash back to Saturday night when I had a wonderful, hilarious night out with one of the besties and my sister, even if it shined a harsh light on the fact that all three of us (including my younger sister) are older than we realize most of the time.  Quick note to all bouncers out there, it is in fact rude to smirk and laugh when a woman, not even 30 yet, hands you their ID at the door.  At least fake it like you mean it. Just saying.

Home at the end of the night obviously includes Sports Guy texting.  Now I was dd so please know that the incredible ineptitude that follows was done completely sober and unimpaired. The conversation was long back and forth but resulted in him coming over at 3am to my house.  There had been discussion that this again would be a wholesome clothes on type of hangout, but really can you blame me that I kind of thought that was bs because you were coming to my house at 3am!!!

Turns out that was not a joint feeling.  So in the morning I felt like the above ecard, and also quite angry.  Like I'd spent hours in IKEA picked out the perfect entertainment center went to the warehouse, lugged the inevitably gimpy wheeled cart back to my too small car, got it in the house and unpacked the boxes only to fine that a critically important set of screws were missing and therefore I will not be entertained that evening!

Back to Sunday, all day spent lamenting my utter confusion toward the night and frankly the past month's events with my dear friend who deserves a medal for listening to me.  I man up and do the adult thing by texting (I do realize that maybe a real adult would call but baby steps) essentially asking - wtf?  More eloquently obviously.  The answer?

He likes to wait to sleep with someone until he knows them better.

Some might think this was a very nice response that would assure me what a nice boy I had found, or that he really cared about people and himself and would make a good boyfriend in the future.  Instead this caused a momentary feeling of utter confusion, then brought into sharp focus that it is very possible that I am a woman of questionable morals (at least as it relates to sex) and then working through the fact that I should like this and that I still don't really...  I like it in theory, but then reality hits me like a ton of bricks considering he works like crazy and his "weekends" are Tues-Weds so the timeline for us "getting to know each other" is tortoise's timeline to say the least.

So end result?

Breaking the man fast, I will be jumping back into the online dating, not ending this but also not banking on its progression at a PACE that won't result in my losing all friends and acquaintances because of my frustration being taken out on all around me. 

Ugh...this is where I'm at now

Patience

It has never been my strong suit.  In fact those who know me would scoff because that description does not due my lack of this characteristic justice.

And yet, I now find myself in a very very frustrating waiting game with my current love interest,
Sports Guy.  We have actually only seen each other twice and both times we were quite chaste and wholesome (frankly a new tack for me).  It has now been almost a month since we've actually seen each other!  This is for completely legitimate and extreme work reasons on his part - so I can't even be mad.

I know, I know you're sitting there thinking "crap, this Thick Chick is a crazy stalker"  and while I will not outright deny all stalker tendencies in this situation it is simply not the case.  In this situation we have been in contact, texting, nearly everday, with him initiating a lot of the more recent texting (see the post about man fasting).  So what's the problem you ask?

Well, this is about to get personal, but Sports Guy and I have fallen into some quite detailed flirt texting and even dabbling in the all too hot topic of sexting.  Now this is an excellent communication technique for the long distancers or as a build up to an exciting night, but over a month of build up is too much!  There's only so much a girl can take!

But here's where I get confused.  I would normally pop back onto the trusty, seedy world of online dating find another man to flirt with and go on my merry way.  This time I don't want to do that - enter confusion - I am a master at remaining unattached and yet now with the man who I see only twice and don't even get to test the post-coital cuddling skills of I am attached to!?!?!  The fates are truly unfair.

So I wait and remain patient.  Due to the nature of his job there is a light at the end of the tunnel in about 2 more weeks.  In the meantime I'm working on being zen about it and trying to find out on webmd if there is a female version of blue balls...

The Siren Song

The siren song of a Victoria's Secret Sale.

Almost all women I know (except for a few of my besties) know pull of the semi-annual sale and can't help but think of Homer's Odyssey and the sirens who tried to lure the sailors to their death.  My bank account is sad to say that this year I was not able to resist this call and in fact went in not once, not twice, but three times.

I know, I know but there is nothing more frivolous and fun than adorable new underwear.  Even though the money spent seems crazy when you think of the number of people who are actually going to see it.  I don't know if this is a personal thing, or applies to ladies in general, but there is something that makes you feel sexier knowing you're wearing a great pair of panties even if you're the only one who knows...am I wrong?

Well now the blogosphere can know that for the next few months I will be in just a little bit better mood for having cute underthings on.  Also, I feel safer because the VS that was near my office is closing this week (hence the third and probably last visit today) which means it will take a more concerted effort to throw my money into that pink money pit in the future!

Day 3

Days fasting: 3

Effects:  Not sure, I definitely play a lot more stupid games on my phone instead of going through the dating app to remind myself what's not out there.

In regards to Sports Guy, I am also fasting texting him and last night he initiated.  Yay!  Good step for me not feeling like I'm hunting down some big game animal.

Overall: positive so far...

Creating a new New Year's Intention of being kinder to people. While it is easier to vent and be caddy, and sometimes a welcome release it is in fact not the better choice for my karmic life overall...wish me luck.

This might be tough

Day's fasting - 1

My index finger is itching to scroll through potential matches on my dating app.

Must...resist...

Fasting

So my last post seemed very enlightened and grounded...this is not however the way I am feeling regarding the romantic aspects of my life these days.

To sum it up I have had a start-up potential relationship that has been put on delay due to busy schedules, mostly his.  Some of this was to be expected as it started right before the holidays, however since then it is frustrating to say the least.  This is clearly the gentleman who inspired the revelation for myself and I feel like I have been leading the charge on getting in contact via text so far - always the first to text.

So while I know that this doesn't necessarily say anything about his feelings for me, as those have been stated as positive directly, what it does speak to is what I need from a communication standpoint.  That is to not feel like I'm chasing you down.  I'm not into that.

So I'm going on a man-fast.  Now it's nothing drastic, if they come to me I will not turn them away or not respond.  What it does mean is that I will not be checking my online dating profile everytime I have a free minute on my phone and it means that I am going to hold out on texting said gentleman first for at least a week.

The reason for this is not game playing but more that I don't like feeling like I'm chasing someone down.  It's too high school crush, unrequited love, feeling for me.

So I fast.

Wish me luck....

A Tip for Boyfriends

Make sure that your girlfriend has girlfriends!

This is really a tip for boyfriends, men who are dating women, and men who are even considering dating women.

One of my besties and I had a revelation this weekend.  Both of us are in the less than incredible task of really deciding what we want and weeding through what our options are in the online/in person dating pool.  For years we have wondered how all these women go so bat shit crazy that by the time we meet the men they've been so scarred and damaged that they don't believe us when things are not a problem, or we actually don't care that they may or may not have used a groupon for the date (in my opinion this just shows planning and forethought and who can complain about that, also being savvy with your $ is a good selling point too).  Well we finally figured it out.

Both of us are dealing with versions of the same issue - communication between the sexes. Do they really mean what they text? (Also texting really throws another level into all of this because there is no tonality to read)  Is there meaning behind the lack of text?  Is there hidden meaning in both of them?  It's neverending!  Lucky for me we could just talk this out with each other, and talk each other off the crazy ledge.

Remind each other of what we learned in the past, what Steve Harvey has told us in his movies and books...men are simpler (not stupider, just simpler) than we think.  Majority of the time what they say is what they mean and when they don't text they're probably just busy.

In both our cases, there were not established needs for communication, just general "maybes" which to us means text but clearly to our respective prospects means something else.  So the revelation came in that when we were left on our own to decipher the ever changing code that is men we went to the bat shit crazy place.  Created games that he was playing (that he's not).  Created reasons that this one lack of text means that he has thought through our entire future together and decided it's not worth it right now (he didn't).  Envisioned him with the girlfriend that we didn't know about (that he doesn't have). Yup the sad but true thing of it is, women overthink, we imagine and analyze and build elaborate explanations for things that don't exist.  Now most of us know that we can't tell the guy this and have him debunk it because it is always a good idea to keep the lid on the crazy.  However, left unchecked this can develop into a parallel fantasy world where every following action proves or disproves the concocted story.

I have to admit we were smug enough in our younger days to think we were immune to this.  Alas, that is not the case.  We did however, find a vaccine, or at least a treatment for it.  Talk it over with your besties, someone who has no problem telling you to your face that you are being an absolute lunatic.  I feel lucky everyday to have friends that have no problem calling me out on my bullshit and even if they go through the same crazy, we can still tell it's crazy on someone else.  We talked each other down and both were proven right when each man communicated (in a completely normal time period) that they were in fact busy/asleep/drunk and wanted to check in.

So moral of the story for the ladies, don't give up those friends who tell you like it is even when what it is sucks and men, make sure your ladies have girlfriends like these.  Without them you're both screwed.

Thank you to my ladies for keeping me sane and grounded.

Casual Carpool Observations

"Anyone wanna buy a vacuum cleaner?"

Seriously?! A very nice elderly woman who was the driver asked her car full of people if we were interested, no joke. Now that's a salesman! Enraptured audience with no way to escape.

That wasn't the worst though, somehow this inspired the crazy lady in the back to share a crazy cat lady story...

I'll take the vacuums, happy Wednesday everyone!

All for the $

Thank goodness for the paycheck!  Today I am grateful that I still get paid even if the rest of what goes with my current job could drive a girl to drink, and drink, and drink.

You know it's bad when you start to wonder if it's worth eating ramen for months to just not deal with it all.

Ok working on deep breathing and a zen reaction to utter chaos....failing, but working at it.

How to know you're pms'ing

You cry during the first 10 minutes of the new season of biggest loser. Yup.

Metaphorical hands in the air

So I am a less than enthusiastic (these days) member of the online dating world/the dating world in general and today I feel like throwing my hands in the air and exclaiming to the fates that be that they are in charge now. I will ride out whatever they give me and relinquish all assumed control over to them in regards to my love life.

For the last few years I have been a relatively happy clam living in the space of commitment phobia, running at the mere mention of the words "boyfriend" or god forbid me as someone's "girlfriend".  However, when that resulted in my finally pushing away someone who truly loved me and who I loved back, something I can only admit now, I decided it was probably time to work on this.  This work did not go as one might expect however.

My decision was that this flight reaction meant that I just really didn't want a relationship at this point in time so instead of trying to find one I went even more casual and had essentially a few friends with benefits situations unfold, although the friends part seems generous.  While this never actually ended up as a warning tale from a rom-com where one person ends up having unrequited feelings for the other, it did in the end just get kind of old.

When that happened I turned back to the loving arms of OkCupid, this time feeling open to an actual relationship and wanting to try out dating with that in mind instead of studiously avoiding it. So after a few misfires I found Sports Guy.  Someone who gave those butterflies, seemed to have enough of his own life and had the excellent balance of easy conversation and flirty.  So after some initial hesitation because he's two years younger than me I decided to let go and  go with my gut that I like him.  We had two great dates with texting conversations after, they were very wholesome, he was gentlemanly and then not so gentlemanly, just as I like it.  That was a month ago!

This is where I throw my hands up! We have been continuously in touch via text, even with some very good sext sessions, we have not actually seen each other for a month now.  My rational mind knows that this is due to holidays, his busy schedule, my busy schedule and just timing in general.  However my less rational, emotional, sex-deprived mind feels like it's pretty crazy that we haven't been able to find one more night to meet up. Here's the problem, my gut still tells me that I like Sports Guy and that generally translates to not wanting to truly peruse the OkCupid offerings or work that hard at bars, so I'm stuck in a lonely bed cycle.

So Fates, I leave it to you.  I will not try to orchestrate a meeting, I will respond to messages on the interwebs, and I will be open to new.  If Sports Guy is as promising as it felt a month ago he will figure out how to get to me and otherwise I'm letting go.  Sounds good, we'll see if it works...

All that said, today I'm grateful for myself, through all of this it's really not that bad or that big a deal because I really like me, so if I end up just hanging out with me, that's cool.

Grateful today for...

Grateful for...my coworkers.  Even in times of intense stress and at times chaos here at the office, I have a core group here that keep me sane and keep me laughing.  Not sure I'd survive without them.

Proud older sis

The last post was truly inspired by my sister who last night checked off one of her goals for 2013 only 2 days in!  Talk about an over achiever, just kidding!

Last night I joined my sister and one of her besties to go see some live bluegrass over in Berkeley.  Meg has always dabbled musically and is a great singer.  When she went to request a favorite and they said they knew the song but the guy who knew the words wasn't there.  They said if she could sing it they could play it.

This fit perfectly because only minutes before she had told us that one of her goals for 2013 was to be in a bluegrass band!  So after working off some nerves via Boont Amber Ale and bluegrass dancing (must be seen to be understood) she went up there and sang Wagon Wheel.  She did great so impressed with her just jumping up there and doing it!

Quite a Wednesday evening in my opinion!

Triskaidekaphobia or Triskaidekaphilia?

So 3 days into the new year and I was successfully avoiding making resolutions as I try to do every year.

However after thinking about my trip to Spain and talking to my trainer and Meg this year I'm choosing to make goals and intentions for the new year.  Not resolutions, those feel so finite and so easy to fail at.

I thought it was best to write them down so that I'm at least accountable to the blogosphere if not myself.  I had to go back and look at my past post to remember my intentions from the Camino, not a good sign for how good I've been at maintaining awareness...

Health - Go down one more size in clothes.  This is the first goal for the year but feels achievable. I had a wonderfully indulgent last 3 months and while I wouldn't say that I fell completely off the wagon I definitely slipped a little in the focus.  Time to re-focus I really like how I feel when I'm fitter and on the path to healthier even if it is a slow one.

Future - Take the steps to move forward on getting my MBA, stop waxing poetic and actually look at some applications and information.  Be sure to evaluate what it is I really want professionally going forward.

Love - Work to be open to love and not talk myself out of it this year as in the past. I am really convincing when I tell myself that it is just too much work to have a relationship and while I haven't been chasing off princes with a stick this past year there may have been a few diamonds in the rough that I tossed aside too quickly...

Inner Peace - What the hell does that mean?  I'm not sure what an achievable goal for this would be.  I feel like this one just requires a constant awareness and ability to face yourself and be honest with yourself.  When I have my cray cray moments and things appear to be spiraling - take the time to pause.

Gratefulness - Intend to show  those that I am grateful for how much they mean to me and find something to be grateful for each day. This sounds like it should be easy enough these days, feeling incredibly lucky, however I'm sure there will be some days when this is one of the tougher goals...

I feel better having written it down...let's see how long we last shall we?

Happy 2013!