For the last few years I have been a relatively happy clam living in the space of commitment phobia, running at the mere mention of the words "boyfriend" or god forbid me as someone's "girlfriend". However, when that resulted in my finally pushing away someone who truly loved me and who I loved back, something I can only admit now, I decided it was probably time to work on this. This work did not go as one might expect however.
My decision was that this flight reaction meant that I just really didn't want a relationship at this point in time so instead of trying to find one I went even more casual and had essentially a few friends with benefits situations unfold, although the friends part seems generous. While this never actually ended up as a warning tale from a rom-com where one person ends up having unrequited feelings for the other, it did in the end just get kind of old.
When that happened I turned back to the loving arms of OkCupid, this time feeling open to an actual relationship and wanting to try out dating with that in mind instead of studiously avoiding it. So after a few misfires I found Sports Guy. Someone who gave those butterflies, seemed to have enough of his own life and had the excellent balance of easy conversation and flirty. So after some initial hesitation because he's two years younger than me I decided to let go and go with my gut that I like him. We had two great dates with texting conversations after, they were very wholesome, he was gentlemanly and then not so gentlemanly, just as I like it. That was a month ago!
This is where I throw my hands up! We have been continuously in touch via text, even with some very good sext sessions, we have not actually seen each other for a month now. My rational mind knows that this is due to holidays, his busy schedule, my busy schedule and just timing in general. However my less rational, emotional, sex-deprived mind feels like it's pretty crazy that we haven't been able to find one more night to meet up. Here's the problem, my gut still tells me that I like Sports Guy and that generally translates to not wanting to truly peruse the OkCupid offerings or work that hard at bars, so I'm stuck in a lonely bed cycle.
So Fates, I leave it to you. I will not try to orchestrate a meeting, I will respond to messages on the interwebs, and I will be open to new. If Sports Guy is as promising as it felt a month ago he will figure out how to get to me and otherwise I'm letting go. Sounds good, we'll see if it works...
All that said, today I'm grateful for myself, through all of this it's really not that bad or that big a deal because I really like me, so if I end up just hanging out with me, that's cool.
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